Into the Bushes with the Birds and the Bees.

by Brandon Keene

Everyone's story about the sex talk they received is different, if they got one at all.

Mine goes like this: I'm 15 years old and sitting in the cab of my father's pickup after an afternoon of travel. We're eating hamburgers and he's asking me if I have any girlfriends, and after a moment, he wistfully looks off into the distance and says, "You ever do it in the bushes? In the bushes is some of the best."

If not for the Idaho Public Education System's One-Day Puberty Course, and the information disseminated to me by friends who were sexually active much earlier than I, the only thing I would have known about sex would have been that whatever sex was or was for and however it was done, instances of it that occurred in the bushes were preferable.

Last week I got to revisit this issue in the most constructive fashion I think possible, and in doing so got to do something that none of my friends have yet had the opportunity to do.

Last week I got to deliver the sex talk to my half brothers.

16 years my junior, my half brothers have just reached the confusing pubescent age of twelve. When I received an email from one proudly telling me that they now have girlfriends, I found myself compelled to email back and ask the only question I felt was pertinent, "have you given her all the kisses?"
This was the answer I received: "no i haven't given any kisses......... yet."

Shortly thereafter I traveled back to my hometown to visit for Mother's Day, and as a present, I offered to my mother the option for me to give the boys the sex talk, particularly given that

1. It would probably be less uncomfortable and embarrassing for them if the talk was delivered by their "cool older brother," and

2. That it seemed extremely unlikely that their father was going to give them any sort of sex talk, much less a thoroughgoing one.

My mother took me up on the offer, and the next day while she was at work the boys and I went and got some Thai Iced Teas and returned to the house where we could sit in the warm afternoon air and discuss "dude things."

My brothers had already received a basic puberty course in school, and I built on that foundation to try and deliver the kind of sex talk that I wished I'd received when I was their age.

I led with the story of the sex talk I'd received, figuring that with that out of the way, their talk couldn't be worse than mine. From there we discussed the actual mechanics of sex and sexual organs, both male and female. Following that was the mechanics of impregnation and Sexually Transmitted Diseases and the subsequent necessity of safe sex. We talked about how to have safe sex, and the responsibilities and drawbacks of prophylactics and birth control. Since discussing STDs can be pretty fucking scary, we delved into why people have sex and its relationship to overall healthy self-esteem and self-identity. That led to a discussion of sexual orientation, with an emphasis on the idea that it is perfectly acceptable to be who you are, and to accept whatever orientation manifests for you. We ended by discussing "what is eroticism" and how sexual arousal can stem from a pantheon of potentially unexpected sources; sources which can be an important part of sexual identity, even if they have little to do with one's sexual orientation.

We were in the middle of discussing examples of fetishism when my mother returned home from work, and we decided to adjourn at that time. However, as we concluded, one of my brothers came over and put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Thanks for having this talk with us. I really appreciate it."

Having had a few days to ruminate on the event, I think I would advise parents who are facing the decision to have a sex talk with their children with the following:

I feel really good about the talk we had, and my only regret is that I wasn't able to conclude with a discussion of analingus because, after all, what better way to come to the end?

Brandon Keene is a Portland Poet and Writer who produces the weekly webcomic Darren Died Tonight and would be more than happy to tell your kids about sex.