The following story is fictional. Any relationship with actual events or people is purely coincidental.
Jersey Shore Reunion Meltdown (Part 1)
The guests sat nervously in their seats, not knowing what to expect. It had been several months since summer, when they'd been filmed living together in a beach house on Jersey Shore as part of an MTV reality show. Most of them hadn't seen each other since the show had ended, and this was the first time they'd all been together as a group.
Sammi squeezed Ronnie's hand in anticipation, searching his face for some sign of comfort, but he was clearly as tense as she was, if not more so. He didn't return her gaze. The two had hooked up during the filming of the show and had been dating ever since, although their relationship had been strained at best. Even this morning they'd had a huge fight over which dress she was to wear on the show. Ronnie had taken issue with the outfit she'd initially picked out, telling her it was too slutty.
“That creep, Mike, will be all up in your fat ass if you wear that fucking thing with your tits all hanging out like a crack whore!” he'd screamed, pushing over the dresser in their hotel room.
Intent on maintaining her independence within the relationship, she'd told him she was going to wear it anyway. At that point he'd thrown her on the bed and choked her, which was something he did often now when their arguments became heated. Eventually she'd conceded and gone with the more conservative dress.
Now, in front of the cameras, Sammi gave Ronnie's meaty hand another squeeze and ran her fingers through her hair extensions, hoping the bruises on her neck didn't show. She was intent on maintaining the appearance of a happy relationship.
The reunion show was being held in an abandoned warehouse in a remote part of Ohio. The outside of the building had looked frighteningly dilapidated, but MTV had decorated the interior with furniture, curtains, and filtered lights to make it look like a television studio. Still, there was a chill in the dusty air and the place had a creepy vibe.
Vinny spotted a large rat running along the wall. He followed it with his eyes until it disappeared behind a red curtain. Tugging nervously at his shirt collar, he looked at the other guests to see if anyone else had noticed, but no one appeared to be concerned. He decided it would be best not to say anything about it, as it would only upset the girls.
The lights that shone down on the group were so bright the faces of the people in the audience in front of them were impossible to see, but their presence was affirmed by a steady murmur. The guests' names could be heard whispered over and over, like the echoing of ghosts from their pasts calling out to them from the darkness.
Suddenly the hostess, Julissa Bermudez, walked out onto the stage to the sound of applause. Julissa was an android created by MTV as part of a failed gimmick. Her stiff rubber face was, in itself, a sad commentary on the insincerity of human expression.
“What's up everybody!” she shouted, attempting to mimic human excitement. “I'm Julissa, your host for Jersey Shore: The Reunion. This past summer MTV entered a world where house music, fist pumping, and fake tans are king.”
Jenni “JWoww” rolled her eyes and pulled a small flask out from between her massive breast implants. Unscrewing the cap, she tilted her head back and took a swig of the citrus vodka inside. Although she was still in her early twenties, JWoww felt old and worn out. A childhood of neglect and sexual abuse had given her reoccurring nightmares that kept her up every night. Even the thick layer of concealer she'd applied to her face couldn't hide the bags under her eyes.
Nicole, better known as “Snooki,” gave her a nudge and whispered, “Share, bitch!” JWoww begrudgingly passed the flask to her.
“Well the summer may be over, but the drama certainly isn't,” Julissa continued, “because the entire cast of Jersey Shore is here tonight, and we're going to show some never-before-seen, uncensored footage that will shock and disgust you! This is Jersey Shore: The Reunion.”
Snooki choked on the vodka she was swallowing and reflexively spit some out, coughing loudly. Liquor and drool dribbled down her chin, spilling onto her chest and soaking the black material of her dress. “Shit! Oh no!” she cried.
“You're wasting it!” JWoww scolded her, snatching the flask back.
Mike “The Situation” grabbed a cocktail napkin from the coffee table and began wiping the wet spot on Snooki's chest. “Shit, let me do it!” she said. “You're making me look like a slut or something.”
“But you are a slut!” The Situation said, genuinely confused.
Ronnie was watching this exchange and began laughing his terrible laugh.
Angelina tapped JWoww on the shoulder. “Hey, you think I could have some of that?”
“Don't fucking touch me, slut!” JWoww snapped, smacking Angelina's hand away. “Don't even fucking look at me.”
“Slut? Um, hello!” Angelina retorted. “You're the one with your fake tits hanging out, slut!”
JWoww sprang to her feet and leaped onto the bench, throwing vodka in Angelina's angry face. With her other hand she grabbed the bitch's black hair and yanked her out of her seat. Then she brought the flask down hard onto the bridge of the skinny girl's perfect little nose again and again until The Situation grabbed her from behind, restraining her.
But the damage had already been done. Angelina fell to her knees, sobbing. Blood poured from her broken nose, splattering on the floor and the back of JWoww's seat. “It's not fair!” she sobbed. “None of you fucking assholes ever gave me a chance! Why doesn't anyone like me?”
The sound of the audience booing was deafening. Pauly D pointed and accusatory finger at Angelina. “Why the fuck are you even here?” he shouted. “You don't even look like a guidette you fucking hater!”
Angelina stumbled down the stairs onto the stage. “Shut the fuck up!” she screamed. “Just leave me the fuck alone!” Bending down, she took off one of her stripper heels and chucked it as hard as she could into the booing audience before her. It bounced off the head of a bald redneck and hit a nine-year-old redheaded girl in the mouth, chipping her front tooth. The girl wailed in pain as Angelina limped off the stage in tears, leaving a trail of blood behind her.
“So much excitement, and the show hasn't even started yet!” Julissa exclaimed, and the audience laughed and clapped.
Tune in next time for Part 2 of our fictional Jersey Shore Reunion Meltdown!